Do You Make This Error With Men and Relationships?

One of the most important things to know about a man is his primary fear...to be incompetent. It's the complete opposite of the primary female fear...to be alone. Because it's so different, many women downplay it or ignore it outright, to their detriment. As a result, they greatly decrease their chances of a happy relationship. Correctly learning how to ease a man's primary fear of being incompetent can have a dramatic effect on the health and well being of your dating or marriage relationship.

If you were to say to the typical man that he wasn't very "nice," it might bother him a bit. But... if you were to imply directly or indirectly that he wasn't competent at his job, at being your mate, etc., that would hurt him much, much more.

Secondly, the most important person to give a man feedback, feedback that means the most, is his wife or girlfriend. The thoughts and feelings she has about him make the biggest impression, more than what others think. What a married man wants most, is a happy wife. If she's happy then he believes that he's doing a good job as her husband.

But, what if she doesn't tell him what she's happy about? What if she compliments him like she would another woman, a manner that means little to most men?

Talk to him in a way that he understands.

Let's say...for example, there's a cupboard door in the kitchen that he fixes. He does something simple like the tightening of the screws, ensuring that it's firmly in place.

Now, if he were a female (I know...that's probably a bit hard to imagine, OK...really hard to imagine, but work with me), you might say that it was very "considerate" or "nice" of him to fix the cupboard door. "That was very kind of you honey!" This sort of language is rooted in "connection." Being connected is the opposite of being alone, which, as I mentioned earlier, is the primary female fear. "Nice" people, "kind" people and "considerate" people are the type of people who are best able to connect.

In effect, what your uniquely female language is telling the man, your man, is that his actions have enabled the two of you to connect, to not be alone. What higher compliment could you give him? What greater reassurance could you provide? You have reassured him that he is not alone, that the two of you have connected. That's just what a man wants most right?

Wrong. That's what a woman wants most.

Think of children for a moment, maybe think back to your own childhood. Two girls are mad at each other. A warning is uttered by one of the girls. "I won't be you're friend." The message? Our connection as friends will be severed and you will therefore suffer. When have you ever, and I mean EVER, heard a boy threaten another boy in that manner? Boys threaten other boys with issues regarding competence. "I'll punch you." "I bet I'm stronger than you are." A boy's natural first response to the threat of being hit, is to figure out if he has the resources to handle the boy who is threatening him. The more competent he feels about handling the physical threat, the less fear he feels. Whether or not he's going lose "connection" with this other boy is not his primary concern.

So...what a man wants most is to know that he is making a positive impact in his girlfriend's or wife's life. That he's competent, a valuable member of the family, a valuable part of your life. Complimenting him on who he is isn't as important as complimenting him on what he does.

That's worth repeating.

Being "nice" or "kind" isn't nearly as important to men as being recognized for what they do, and how they contribute to make things better." If you can explain to him how his "nice" and "kind" behaviour directly affects his competence and contribution as a man, then he's very happy.

Let's take another look at the "fixing of the cupboard door" scenario and see how else you could talk to him.

Tell him, "Honey, I appreciate how you fixed the cupboard door, now I'm not concerned about it falling off and hitting me in the head. I feel much safer now."

This compliment is specific and most importantly, stated clearly in terms of how his actions have made your life better, safer, etc. This compliment connects his actions to your feelings.

If a husband doesn't see a connection between what he does for you as his wife, and how it impacts you, he will decrease and in lots of cases stop trying completely. If a man only gets negative feedback, or no feedback at all from you, he is likely to seek out other places to get positive feedback. This may be his work, the kids, hobbies or sadly, another woman.

About The Author Chris Keenan is the founder of Relationship Sharing. They help people who like to share and learn about relationships, to do so in small group settings via telephone conferencing. "Why be all alone when you don't have to?" For more free relationship articles go to http://www.relationshipsharing.com for hundreds of relationship articles. Try their "relationship sharing" service for free!